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Monday, December 22, 2008

A Film Snob's Guide to Five Christmas Movies

People love Christmas movies.  It's a fact.  A Christmas Story, It's a Wonderful Life, Miracle on 34th Street, and Christmas Vacation are staples at most households during the Holiday Season. Although I revere all of these films, I thought I'd make a list for those of us who are getting sick and tired of crazy George Bailey hollering "Merry Christmas" to every dimwit in town, Natalie Wood tugging on some dude's beard and cousin Eddie with his fake turtle neck (actually scratch that last one, cousin Eddie is the shit).

Honorable Mention

The Ref (1994)
A very underrated film starring Denis Leary about a cat burglar who has no choice but to take an extremely dysfunctional family hostage on Christmas Eve.  Kind of like my family's home movies, with guns(and a drunk Irish Guy)!

5. Eyes Wide Shut (1999)
Sure, one would quickly omit this holiday favorite as just your average sex orgy male fantasy.  But, take a second look. Christmas lights fill most every background, as do an awful lot of Silver Firs.  Holiday cheer is all around. Sydney Pollock effing coked up whores at his annual X-Mas bash! Merry Christmas!

4. Lethal Weapon (1987)
Let's face it:  Shane Black love Christmas!  Or hates it. Three of his penned action films take place during the Holiday Season, but his first one is his best one. A suicidal widower is teamed up with a family man nearing his retirement.  Life lessons learned!

3. Die Hard (1988) 
This Bruce Willis crime saga is hardly your average action film. It's tragic to it's core.  All John McClane wants to do is reunite with his estranged family for Christmas. That is until Hans freaking Gruber shows up with his Eastern European terrorists and threaten John's happiness. This flawed New York City cop takes matters in own hands to personally save Christmas!

2. Gremlins (1984)
A funny, scary monster movie or a cautionary tale about getting last-minute trendy gifts for your little brats? You decide.  After a father buys his son an oddly unique present (an adorable little Mogwai), their quiet little town is ripped to shreds because some people can't follow 3 simple rules!

1. The Night of the Hunter (1955)
What a terrific Christmas Story!  Two children, Pearl and John, orphaned after Harry Powell murders their mother, escape the evil clutches of their crazy stepfather, wind up with a kind, elderly woman, Rachel.  Rachel gives them one hell of a Christmas, saving them from Powell.  John gives her an apple wrapped in a doily. Rachel then goes on to give one hell of a monologue.  Movie magic ensues! 

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