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Thursday, February 26, 2009

What gives with the remakes?

When it comes to remakes, the Angry Nintendo Nerd says it best: "What a load of fuck." 
But America thinks the exact opposite. I can't begin to name all of the unnecessary remakes that are happening, so I'll pick five movies that are most likely going to boom into theatres, stealing everyone's money and proving why America is dumber than a pile of diarrhea dump. 

1. The Taking of Pelham 123 
This Tony Scott-directed remake of the Walter Matthau classic stars Denzel Washington and John Travolta. Judging by the preview, there are no differences between this film and its predecessor. Except for the fact that Travolta will ask for a couple billion instead of a few million. And then there's Tony Scott's direction—it makes me want to puke. His editor has the attention span of a gnat on meth. This guy hasn't made a good movie since ever. 

2. Arthur
Granted, I've never seen the original Dudley Moore romp, but anything that replaces the always funny Moore with the obnoxious Russell Brand is unnecessary in my book. Why don't we just write an original script for Moore? Are the guys who wrote My Best Friend's Girl busy? 

3. Robin Hood
You may know this one as Nottingham. The Ridley Scott-directed period tale starring Russell Crowe as the Sheriff of Nottingham and Robin Hood. Interesting? Yes, but still how many Robin Hood movies must a man sit through? No actor will ever top Alan Rickman as the Sheriff. 
And I don't get why Crowe and Washington consistently do films with the Scotts. Why do they feel indebted to these guys? The only thing the Scotts do is consistently show their best films were flukes. 

4. Total Recall 
Ain't It Cool News just reported this one today. Prediction: this adaptation will star Vin Diesel and Michelle Rodriguez, and will be directed by Rob Cohen of XXX fame. Paul Walker will make a guest appearance, and John Leguizamo will be the villain who likes to eat rats from the toilet. 
Laugh now, but it will happen. 

5. Clue
Great! A remake of a film based on a board game which will probably be directed by Gore Verbinski of Mouse Hunt fame. 
What's that the crowds say? "But he directed Pirates of the Carribean!"
To which I respond, "You're right. That movie was based on a ride. And if you can tell me what happens in the third one, I'll give you $5."

Until then, I stand, grimacing at the very thought of these films being released. What a load of fuck indeed.  

1 comment:

  1. Don't forget Karate Kid.

    Yes, that's exactly what I wanted, to see Will Smith's no talent mop-head spawn and Jackie Chan ruin a classic from my early years.

    Kill me, kill me now.